Approximately forty minutes after finding out I’m going to have a daughter, I began to transform into an Uptight Dad. I recognize this transformation now. During high school I ran into plenty of Uptight Dads at the homes of girls I was trying like crazy to bang.
For a while, the change was gradual. Signs that something was happening began to show up right away, though. For example: my daughter is not yet born and yet I am already worried about Alexander, Diana’s best friend Jayme’s one year-old son.
If pressed, I will fabricate some story that makes Aunt Jayme’s imaginary family tie official, thus relating the two kids by blood. When they inevitably gravitate together in their early teen years, I will not hesitate to show my daughter The Goonies and tell her that Sloth is all that can result from their sinful union.
“You just think about that. You just think about gestating a mini-Sloth,” I will say knowingly, deep into a teachable moment. Obviously she will beg off and thank me for warning her.
As you can tell, the early stages of panic were not all that extreme. At least not until the Dive-In Movie.